The Cleveland Browns Know You Are, But What Are They

I love juvenile jokes.  Remember all of the stuff we thought was funny when we were eight years old?  It still makes me giggle.  Like when you’re walking down the street next to a friend, and you reach behind them and tap their opposite shoulder to try and get them to look over that way?  I think that’s a riot, so I do it constantly, to the point where my daughter will say “Are you serious, Dad?  Are you serious right now?”  (This is apparently an incredible insult in the world of thirteen year old girls)  I do it so frequently,  I inspired my good friend and fellow comedian Steve Mazan to do it in an episode of “Dog Punk’d,” which is so utterly silly I dare you to watch it and not laugh.  (Mazan is the star of the award winning film “Dying To Do Letterman,” which I can’t recommend highly enough)  I also enjoy saying “I know you are, what what am I?” and telling anyone who says they love something “Well then why don’t you marry it?”  Such as:

My daughter: Dad, I love trampolines.
Me: Well then why don’t you marry one?
My Daughter: Dad, are you eight years old?
Me: I know you are, but what am I?
My Daughter: Are you serious, Dad?  Are you serious right now?

Embarrassing your teenage children is great fun.

So why am I telling you this in a Cleveland Browns column?  Well, because it’s been one preseason game, and there’s really not much else to write about.  Everyone has been analyzing up a storm since last night, but if you slow down, do a couple of armpit farts, and think about it, what else did you expect to see?  Let’s run it down:

Weeden looked like a rookie.  Showed some flashes, and was confused at times. He also showed a strong arm and some nice touch.  It was basically what everyone should have expected. 

Schwartz struggled some at RT, but again, what did you expect?  Rookies get beat, they get confused by looks, they seem uncertain at times.  The good ones improve their play every week, so hang on before you pass judgment on the guy one way or the other.

The henway looked solid.  Really, really solid.

The offense as a whole looked spotty, which is what happens when the prospective engine of the O - RB Trent Richardson - is out with a knee injury.   As we know all too well, the lack of a credible running game puts far more pressure on the passing game, and when you have a rookie QB, RT, and a young WR core, that leads to spottiness.  Again, it’s what we should have expected.

The defense, missing five projected starters, didn’t look as good as it could have, especially against the run. 

Haden was Haden.  The guy is a stud.

There were a ton of penalties.  Way too many to  shrug it off, but it’s only game one and there are a bunch of new starters.  Let’s wait and see if the penalty situation improves in game #2 before we start burning Shurmer in effigy.  Or burning him in Euclid.

Benjamin is fast.  Really, really, really fast.  That guy must eat a ton of Frankenberries.

To those who say “There were lots of mistakes but they did win!” My response is that yes, in the fourth quarter, our practice squad outplayed their practice squad.  I’m not saying anything against those players, they’re ten billion times better than I could ever have been, and as I explained previously, to those guys that fourth quarter was certainly not “meaningless” game time.  All I’m saying is that in the big picture of the full 2012 Browns season, the W or L in last night’s game is basically meaningless.

Also, there’s THIS.

There were a couple of interesting things that happened.  The most criticized pick in this draft, DT John Hughes, played better than most expected, which could be a nice surprise if he keeps it up.  Also, Colt looked good, albeit against 2nd teamers, so when a contender has the inevitable QB injury, his trade stock could go up.  Maybe not, but any good showcase for Colt is a good thing for the Browns in general.

Other than that, it was the first preseason game.  So why doesn’t everyone go check and see if your refrigerator is running.

Yes, I am serious right now.

Stephen Thomas--Featured Columnist
Stephen Thomas has been a professional comedian and writer for the past seventeen years, and a season ticket holder in the Dawg Pound since 1991. You can follow him on Twitter @15stephen15 , on his Facebook Fan Page here, and read his past columns on his Humor Blog here. Send email and money to funnyman1515@hotmail.com