Tim Tebow is a Space Alien and Drew Brees is a Storage Hunter
https://afcnorthnews.blogspot.com/2012/08/tim-tebow-is-space-alien-and-drew-brees.html
IT’S THE FIRST WEEK OF TRAINING CAMP.
Rookies are still being hazed, veterans are still easing back into their routines, and the Bengals are still deciding who’s going to get arrested for what. Heck, we haven’t even had our first “Brett Favre will contemplate playing again” rumor. (He’ll play for the Ravens after Flacco blows out his knee.)(No, really; this guy I know who drives past Ravens camp every day and once dated the daughter of Favre’s old neighbor told me. He’s my “Highly placed source.”) In other words, it’s really stinkin’ early in the season, so why is everyone trying to be so definitive? In the Tebow situation, I don’t care if you’re on Team Tim, Team Mark, or Team Jacob, it’s too early to tell anything at all about the Jets and how Timmy is going to contribute. I think the guy is a winner, and however/wherever the Jets ask him to play, he’ll give it his all and do something good for them, but there’s no way yet to tell. Why? Because IT’S THE FIRST WEEK OF TRAINING CAMP. For all of you prognosticating the NFL season with exactness, what if Tom Brady gets hurt in Week 1 again? What if after leading the Saints to a 7-0 start, Drew Brees decides to retire and pursue his dream of being on “Storage Hunters?” What if all of the WR’s in the league are kidnapped by space aliens and the only way any offense can move the ball is by running the Wishbone, because Tim Tebow is actually an alien and this is all part of their fiendishly clever plan to get him the starting QB job in New York? How high would you be on Tebow then? Huh? What then, mister smartypants, if that is indeed your real name?
Now, I know some of you are saying “Well Stephen, those are things you just can’t know in advance, plus even if aliens kidnapped all of the WR’s they’d bring them back after a brief yet undoubtedly uncomfortable probing session.” To you I say two things: One, that shows how little you know about space aliens. Have you watched “Ancient Aliens?” What if those same aliens who so obviously built the Pyramids come back not to probe the WR’s, but instead to take them to another planet as cheap labor, to go build another set of Pyramids or maybe even Rhombuses? (Is the plural of Rhombus “Rhombuses?” Rhombusi? Rhombalamadingdong?) Didn’t think of that, did you? Well, these are things I DO think about, and if the WR’s are gone for an extended period of time, all I can say is that would seriously screw up a lot of your pre-season predictions and fantasy leagues, not to mention it would cut down on the number of BMW’s owned by the hardworking and completely honest sports agents who make money off of other people’s knee injuries. These are things that, as a humor writing type person, I am trained to contemplate in my ample free time while watching TruTV’s “Hardcore Pawn.” The second thing I say to you is that yes, you’re correct, we CAN’T know these things in advance, which is exactly my point: everyone acting as if they know something at this juncture is ridiculous.
However, it seems that if I want to make my mark at this time of year, I have only two choices: One, be the only writer who makes an earnest attempt to include the word “Frankenberries” in each of my columns, so as to stand out on Google searches. Or two, make predictions based on a sample of data far too small to be of any real value. So with the Frankenberries idea percolating, let me go ahead and make my own predictions that are appropriate for this point in the NFL season. What follows are the only things we can know 100% for certain right now, and you can’t disagree, you doodyheads.
* Some time this week, there will be a fight at a practice between huge, hairy, sweaty linemen type gentlemen. We’ll get to hear that it’s because so-and-so the rookie late round pick is “feisty,” and that “We’re tired of hitting each other, we want to go hit someone else.”
* The Hall Of Fame Game will be exciting for exactly six minutes. After that, there will be a lot of guys playing skill positions with jersey numbers in the 90’s, and most people will flip the channel to “How I Met Your Mother” or one of the fifteen singing competition shows.
* Skip Bayless will say something that makes Stephen A. Smith get that look on his face like he wants to stab Bayless in the eye with a shrimp fork.
* Someone will make an incredible play in a practice somewhere, causing multiple commentators to label that player “among the most underrated in the NFL” at their position.
* After one pre-season game, several backup and third string QB’s around the league will be discussed as if they’re destined for the Hall Of Fame, “if they can get into the right situation.” Half of them will end up being cut.
* An undrafted free agent will burst onto the scene and make a huge impact. Commentators will madly scramble to be the first to say “I told people about this kid before the draft, but no one would listen,” even though they’ve never heard of the guy, and some of them mispronounce his name.
* Stephen A. Smith will say something on SportsCenter about Donovan McNabb, with that look on his face like he wants to stab Skip Bayless in the eye with a shrimp fork.
* A marquee starting QB for a contender will go down for the year with an injury, causing degenerate gamblers to call in death threats to whomever hit him. A player from the team will be on ESPN that night, looking America in the eye and stating - with all the sincerity and believability of a guy on “Cops” claiming “That’s not my weed” - that this team has “all the confidence in the world” in their backup QB, and they truly believe they can still win The Super Bowl with Joe Schlabotnik at the helm.
* Herm Edwards will speak in sentence fragments and randomly gesture wildly, to the point where it looks like he’s auditioning to reprise Jamie Foxx’s homeless violinist role in “The Soloist 2.”
* A team will go winless in pre-season, and claim it means nothing. Commentators everywhere will agree wholeheartedly.
* A team will go undefeated in pre-season, and claim it’s a crucial momentum builder. Commentators everywhere will agree wholeheartedly.
* Merrill Hodge (who I like) will continue to wear shirts that make the knot in his tie look obscenely large. Why this bothers me is mystifying, but it does.
* There will be a seemingly meaningless play in the 4th quarter of a pre-season game that is so boring the announcers will be discussing their golf game on-air while it happens. The guy who makes this play will grab the last roster spot and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars this year. The guy he beats will be the final cut and go back to earning minimum wage as a bouncer at Hooters. No play is “meaningless.” Not to everyone.
* Stephen A. Smith will be eating a sandwich alone somewhere, minding his own business, with that look on his face like he wants to stab Skip Bayless in the eye with a shrimp fork.
Anything beyond these predictions is pure speculation. These are rock solid guarantees. If I miss on more than 5% of these, well ... well, then Frankenberries.
Stephen Thomas--Featured ColumnistStephen Thomas has been a professional comedian and writer for the past seventeen years, and a season ticket holder in the Dawg Pound since 1991. You can follow him on Twitter @15stephen15 , on his Facebook Fan Page here, and read his past columns on his Humor Blog here. Send email and money to funnyman1515@hotmail.com
