Cleveland Browns Pre-Season: Tough To Diagnose

By this point in the preseason, most teams have at least somewhat of an idea how their year is going to shape up.  Based on the sample of game play, coaching staffs can usually say things along the lines of “The defense looks to be strong/weak against the run,” “The offense looks like it couldn’t run on a sentence or score at Debbi’s place in Dallas,” “Send the rookies out to pick up anchovy pizza, and then we’ll fill this room with sheep and leave before they get back,” etc.  Not our Browns.  Between injuries, looming suspensions, rookies, a game three against their opponent in the regular season opener, and a final preseason game in which apparently no starters are going to play much, if at all, we have had virtually no opportunity to see the new team in action.  It’s been a befuddling preseason, as I understand the act of being befuddled.  I’m not sure how much regular fuddling it takes to add the “be” on the front end, but I feel confident in stating that there has been a fair amount of fuddling in Berea this August.  Fuddled, befuddled, or Fuddruckered, let’s analyze what we’ve seen to this point.

The #1 item clouding up the Browns forecast has been the knee of Trent Richardson.  I am 100% behind the training staff taking absolutely no chances with this guy, and not rushing him back.  That being said, TRich is supposed to be the engine of the offense for the foreseeable future; without the engine, we as fans as well as the coaching staff  have no idea how this car is going to run.  If he’s the feature back we’ve been waiting for in Cleveland since Kevin Mack, then it will take mounds of pressure off of the passing game and the defense.  It surprises me how many otherwise fantastic NFL minds are writing the Browns off so forcefully this season; a power running game can make a world of difference in the W/L columns.  Am I putting the cart before the horse in assuming that a healthy TRich will make the entire team better and add to the win column?  Possibly, but I’ve always thought that was an odd saying anyway - have you ever sat in a cart behind a horse?  All you smell is horse butt.  I’d actually prefer to put the cart before the horse, especially if it’s hot out.  Seriously, if you had the option to A) Smell sweaty horse butt, or B) NOT smell said aroma, which would you choose?  I’d take B, if I had my druthers, which I believe are some sort of European farming beetle.  Perhaps a fan with some expertise in druthersology can enlighten me.

Secondly, and piggybacking onto the previous point, we haven’t really seen much of Weeden.  He’s played roughly one full game, broken down thusly: Game 1 again Detroit he had his very first NFL snaps, so you can’t really take much from that.  Game 3 against the Eagles, the team was intentionally playing bland football, so as not to give away anything for the regular season opener; so you can’t really take much from THAT.  Game 2 against Green Bay?  Well, he looked like a rookie.  Flashes, both good and bad.  When it comes to evaluating Weeds, keep in mind that not only is he a rookie, but he’s seeing looks from opposing defenses so far that he might not see much of in the regular season if TRich plays; no disrespect to Hardesty & Jackson, but teams don’t really have to game plan against them.  If the Browns develop a reliable running game that D’s are forced to respect, it will slow down the pass rush, and open up much more room in the passing lanes.  I know “reliable running game” is a foreign concept for Browns fans, as we haven’t seen one since some of the younger fans were knee high to a grasshopper, which is another odd saying.  Do grasshoppers even have knees?  if so, how do you get them to stand still long enough for a side-by-side measurement comparison?  More importantly, how drunk was your Mom to conceive with a guy THAT short?  These are questions that can only be answered by guru’s on mountaintops, or possible a Magic 8-Ball.

The impact of TRich’s absence can also be felt when analyzing the oft-maligned WR corps.  With no running game to speak of, these young guys have little room to maneuver, and they’ve still looked better than most people anticipated.  Will they be Slaughter/Langhorne/Brennan/Newsome?  Of course not, they’re rookies and 2nd year guys; however, if the running game can give them some breathing room in the passing routes, the Browns just may finally have the speed and talent at WR to take advantage of it.  They’ve looked raw, but even the most jaded fan has to admit that the group of WR’s out there now have more potential as a unit than we’ve seen in quite some time.  More potential than we’ve seen since ... since some sort of down home, folksy saying about the passage of time that leads itself into a humorous anecdote, in keeping with the theme of this column. (I’m drawing a blank.  Send suggestions to funnyman1515@hotmail.com)

Let’s move on to the defense.  Again, what do we really know?  Haden is going to be a stud.  That we know for sure.  Whether it’s for twelve or sixteen games is unclear, but when he’s in there he’s top shelf.  Beyond that....?  We don’t really know what the DL will look like, again due to injuries.  On the defensive line, Phil Taylor is out at least six games, Frostee has been hobbled all camp, Paxson is out, Rubin has been dinged up.  The good part of this is that Billy Winn (who I predicted in April will be the steal of this year’s draft) and John Hughes have received a ton of reps and have looked pretty good.  This means that when everyone comes back healthy, the DL rotation will be deep and talented; we’ll have fresh pass rushers in the fourth quarter for the first time since Michael Dean Perry.  As any football fan worth his weight in salt knows, a solid pass rush can make everyone playing behind them even better - not having to blitz to get pressure leaves the LB’s & DB’s free to not only cover a smaller area, but to be aggressive and make big plays. (On a secondary note, who knows their value in the weight of salt?  When did that become a monetary measuring stick?  I mean, I sit next to some guys in the Dawg Pound who are so huge they’re probably worth several thousand dollars worth of salt, but would you pay that for a fat, disgusting slob in a stained Reggie Rucker jersey with a hole in the armpit?  I wouldn’t.  I wouldn’t even pay you in Lemon Grass or Paprika.  Now, you tell me someone is worth their weight in Frankenberries, and you have my attention...)

What does all of this mean?  Heck if I know, and that’s the point.  Preseason predictions are a bunch of malarkey for any team, but for the 2012 Browns it’s even moreso.  With so many rookies on offense - the biggest of which has not played a down as of yet - and so many injuries to key spots on both sides of the ball, it’s impossible to say how things are going to shake out once everyone comes back and they actually play more than three downs together.  Personally, I think they’re going to be a lot better than most experts are saying, but that all rests on the healthy knee of Trent Richardson.  If he is what he’s supposed to be, then it could be Katy bar the door.  Whoever Katy is.  Why does she carry all of the door-barring responsibility?  Seems more like a gig for “Chuck,” or “Milt,” doesn’t it?  Anyway, I’m predicting 6-9 wins, but I could be putting the cart before the horse.

Stephen Thomas--Featured Columnist
Stephen Thomas has been a professional comedian and writer for the past seventeen years, and a season ticket holder in the Dawg Pound since 1991. You can follow him on Twitter @15stephen15 , on his Facebook Fan Page here, and read his past columns on his Humor Blog here. Send email and money to funnyman1515@hotmail.com